Monty's Gaming and Wireless Outlook - Issue 184

In Greek, Medieval and Renaissance thought, one of the theories of medicine was based on four elements known as the four humours. According to the medical giants of the day, people were grouped under four headings. They were either happy, aggressive, sad or indifferent.

This theory was extended to states of drunkeness. If you were a happy drunk, you were monkey-drunk, if you were aggressive you were lion-drunk, if you were sad you were mutton-drunk and if you were indifferent you were sloth-drunk.

Personally, I'm a monkey-drunk with a tad of lion-drunk sometimes disposed to being mutton-drunk. But according to mobile operator Orange I am none of these things when I am sober. More to the point, I am allegedly a 'Panther'.

That is how they like to describe their customers who expect extra features from their mobile. Conversely, customers who are 'sociable types' and want bundles of voice-minutes and texts are known as Dolphins. Those who use their mobiles to mainly talk are Canaries and watch out for those Raccoons - they view their phone as a tool, whatever that is. A weapon, possibly?

Consequently, Orange now offers four different tarrifs to suit this menagerie of customers and will back it up with a £10 million marketing campaign that will run until the end of 2006.

It's enough to turn a person to drink and being St Patrick's Day, that's not a bad idea. So, as a Panther-drunk, I will mostly be playing mobile games and watching mobile videos this afternoon.

In the public house, I will be surrounded by Canary-drunks who will be shrilling and twittering on their mobiles and Dolphin-drunks manically texting inappropriate people.

But you won't be able to miss the Raccoon-drunks who will be laughing to themselves and pointing their phones at people and telling them to put their hands up because they're surrounded. Now, that's humour for you.